Jokes Of The Day

[SkinheadJim]

A bit cruel...

Police had admitted that George Best was not buried recently as stated and that, in retrospect, the decision to cremate him in Hemel Hempstead on Sunday may have been a mistake.

[Titch]

Steve Irwin walks into a pub with his pet crocodile by his side. He puts the croc up on the bar. He then turns to the astonished patrons and says "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this croc's mouth and place my nuts inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my balls unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink!"

The crowd murmured in unanimous approval. Steve stood up on the bar, dropped his strides, and placed his privates in the crocodile's open mouth. The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, Irwin grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the croc hard on the top of its head.
The croc opened his mouth and he removed his nuts unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.

Steve stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone £100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A blonde woman timidly spoke up... "I'll try it! Just don't hit me so hard with the bloody beer bottle!!"

[Pierre]

Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training.

After the first day they met up in the bar.

"Ah, Pierre," asks one, " 'ow 'av you been doing?"

"Merde!" answers Pierre. "I 'av 'ad a mos' terrible day. Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed and on to ze parade ground."

"And zen what 'appened?" inquires his mate.

"I weel tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis silly leetle platform five feet off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!".

"And did you jump?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told 'im - "I am a French paratrooper. I do not jump five feet. It is beneass my dignity."

"And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb up zis silly leetle platform ten feet off ze ground, and 'e said "Jump!".

"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told 'im - "I am a French paratrooper. It is beneass my dignity to jump ten feet."

"What 'appened zen?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform a 'undred feet above ze parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous willy, and 'e said: "If you do not jurmp, I am going to stick zis right urp your burm."

"Ooooh!" says his mate. "And did you jurmp?"

"A leetle, at ze beginning."

[/COLOR][/FONT]

[Maria]

Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Essex?

A: Because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin!