Jokes Of The Day

[Worz]

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork ...

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I know you've all got some jokes stashed away somewhere. Feel free to add them.

[Titch]

Heres one i heard earlier....

An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.
"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place.
Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"
"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky guy. Was she pretty?"
"Dunno...Never found the head."

[Roz]

A male patient is lying in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and still heavily sedated from a four hour operation.
A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.

"Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, ..are my testicles black?"

Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his thing in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask and says very slowly, "That felt great but listen very, very closely: ..are..my..test..results ..back?"  

[Mysticmod]

A woman goes into Harrods to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. The Harrods salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb. Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for £44."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says. As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.

At first she is really embarrassed but then realises there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be £58.50 please." The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for £44.

How did you get to £58.50?"

He replies, "Yes Madam, the rod and reel are £44, but the Duck Caller is £11 and the Fish Bait is £3.50."

 

[Demonstorous Harpenjackle]

Who was the last person to f++k an Aussie and
take the Ashes home?

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( scroll down for answer )

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Paula Yates!!!

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[Charlieboy]

That last one was sick. Very funny, but sick.  

[OLDMOD]

How can you tell when a scooter mechanic just had sex? One of his fingers is clean.

[Titch]

Two old ladies are having a cigarette on a park bench, when it starts to rain. One old lady pulls a condom from her bag, opens it, puts it over the end of her cigarette and calmly continues smoking. The other old lady asks what she's doing.
keeps my smokes dry' replies the 1st old lady. Next day the 2nd lady goes into a pharmacy and asks the bemused shop assistant for a pack of johnnies. 'what size?' asks the assistant. 'Oh any' replies the old lady. 'As long as it fits a camel...'

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[Titch]

So the employee phones into his boss to tell him that he won't be in because he's sick. His boss isn't happy and wants a bit more information:

"So how sick are you then?" Says the boss.

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"Well I'm in bed with my sister." He replies.

[Pierre]

European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.


As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replased with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to
reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.


By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

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[Titch]

College professor is teaching a psychology class and today the discussion is about superstition.

The Professor asks his students if the concept of ghosts is familiar to them. They all put up their hands.

He then asks how many of the students believe in ghosts. Half of the students put up their hands.

"Has anyone seen a ghost" he asks. To which ten hands go up.

"Have any of you had a sexual encounter with a ghost". One little guy at the back puts up his hand.

The professor is astounded and rushes over and gasps "You've had sex with a ghost??!!!"

"Ohhhh ghost! I thought you said goat!!!"

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http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y274/cabbie1967/daniellecook.jpg

[Demonstorous Harpenjackle]

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee. So they decided to stop in a nearby cemetery. Having nothing to wipe with, one of them thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said "These damn girl's nights out have got to stop. I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!"

"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck between the crack of her butt that said "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."

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[Worz]

Can u edit that one in the blue text and change it to another colour. It conflicts with the green background and I can't read it.

[Titch]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father
Was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man
Should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've
come to......"

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we
start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room
floor is fun too....you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and
me!"

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if
we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, my, that's a lot of ...of.....!!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be
in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm
sure."

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith muttered. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus."

"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider
their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith faintly.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep,
pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling; I could hardly
concentrate!
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when
The squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on
your...
um...equipment?"

"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work"

"Tripod???!!"

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too
big for me to hold for very long.......Madam? Madam?...Good Lord, she's
fainted....!"

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[Titch]

two muslim mums from leeds were at a funeral for their sons "i miss him now he's gone" said the first mum.
with that the second mum replied "they blow up so fast these days,don't they"

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i dont care, i thought it was funny.

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